You're My Home
by Chelsea Oz
Summary: Takes place the night before the "Climb Every Mountain" scene. Maria has a dream of not being as alone on the mountain as she thought. She wakes up knowing where to go and what to do for help in getting her life back on track. Fifth and final chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

It was nice to find myself here again up on the mountains. I have told Reverend Mother that I could never be lost up here and I was right. It was when I came off the mountains did I feel lost. Whenever I tried to be the most perfect little girl, the more the adults who were supposed to take care of me would put me down. I thought that becoming a nun would make me whole. I would know then that I was deserving of love and I knew I would be loved. There was always a lot more to being a nun then I thought. As much as loved being there in the Abbey, I never felt I was good enough. I was too free in spirit to ever be such a child of Mary and Jesus.

All my expierences and all my disappointments led me to the Von Trapp family. I had a feeling this new assignment in my life was going to be a lot more than I bargained for. Now that I look back on my first day there, it was an absolute struggle and I'm not even talking about the children. As I was introduced to them, they were intimidating to a degree but I felt as though they were just full of pain and weren't allowed to show it. Their father on the other hand, oh my goodness, he was actually worse than the children. I could tell the poor man was in pain, too but he was way more cruel in his outbursts than the children. Sure, the children could cook up some good practical jokes but the father not wanting his children to have love and happiness because he couldn't handle it? I found it so cruel that I almost got fired for calling him out on it.

Yet, that was the day the miracle happened. I guess he just needed a good talking to and I was the only one to do it. I'll never know if that scowling was bravery on my part or stupidity because I take it he is not a man who takes it lightly when someone so much as _suggests_ for him what to do. He actually opened to his children for the first time in forever and he owed it to me. Actually, he owed a lot to me and not to the woman he was in love with. His heart was changing shifts and Elsa could sense it. Everything she told me the night I ran away was true and I realized then that I was in complete denial.

"Silver white winters that melt into spring," a little girl's voice rang out over the mountain. "These are a few of my favorite things."

That was when I turned around to see Marta sitting on the opposite side of me. Her long, brown hair was waving in the wind. Her pink parasol that she had wanted for her birthday was clutched firmly in her hand. It matched perfectly with her little pink dress and hat. Going into governess mode, I wanted to scold her for getting her dress dirty but I didn't. I was too thrilled to see her.

"Marta, darling," I called out to her with my arms wide open. "Come here, baby."

"Fraulein Maria!" She exclaimed as she ran into my arms. She may have been older than Gretl but she was lighter and easier to pick up. To have her little arms wrapped around my neck and her little legs wrapped around my waist felt so good.

"How are you, sweetheart?" I ask, kissing her cheek.

"Hold on, I've got to give you something!" She excitedly tells me as she digs into her dress pocket. She then hands me a bouquet of flowers that gave me shivers to look at: edleweiss! She gave me a bouquet of edleweiss.

"Don't you like my present?" She was worried to see that tears were beginning to fall from my eyes.

"Oh darling, this is so sweet," I say giving her cheek another kiss.

"Good! I think I should tell you they are not really from me. My daddy gave them to me to give to you."

I couldn't speak when she told me that. My heart got lodged in my throat and it stayed there. Marta just keeps looking at me and smiling. She then squeezes my neck one more time and jumps off of me. She takes off running by the time my voice comes back.

"Where are you going?"

"Back home. Come back when you're ready. We love you!"

That was when I woke up. I realize that I'm back at the Abbey in my own room and in my own, old bed. After that dream, I realize that nothing about this place feels like my own. Oh, boy, I guess I'm going to have to finally talk with Reverend Mother. I know that the Von Trapps are my home now but I need her strength to go back there.


	2. What'll I Do?

I swear on the first copy of the Bible that Reverend Mother is the only person who can get through to me. She can terrify me and comfort me all at once. I finally talked to her this afternoon. With all my assertiveness and all my honesty, I'm still scared of my own shadow sometimes. I wondered if she could see the sweat pour off my brow as we first talked. I felt so dirty confessing to her my feelings for the captain and for feeling like I was betraying the Lord I had sworn to live my life for. She shocked me with her understanding and compassion towards me. I really was not expecting her to be so kind with me over this. Yet, in her true fashion, she made it clear that I was not to be babied. Reverend Mother will always deliver her advice in a way that someone would feel like they were being kissed and slapped at the same time.

I knew what I had to do after our talk: I had to go back to the captain and the children. It was something I knew would have to be done but I suppose I just needed the extra strength from Reverend Mother. With her blessing, I felt free to go. I packed up my belongings, dried my tears, and headed out of the Abbey for what I know for now to be the last time. When I hopped on the bus, I knew what I was going to see this time and that was a big group of children I've come to love with all my heart. I also knew I was going back to their father whose love would be unrequited, but that's okay. It's all right to feel the way I feel and the only feeling I have is love. Hate has done a lot worse for a lot of people.

Love is the only way to describe the feeling I had when the children and I saw each other for the first time since my departure. Louisa was the first to hug me and she was holding on to me like she never wanted to let me go.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here now, it's okay," I think to myself.

Then Louisa was followed by the rest of them. I learned about all the things that had gone on since I've been away. Gretl's poor finger, Liesel's poor heart, and poor Brigitta's bitter-hearted announcement of her father's upcoming wedding to Baroness Schrader. As much as I was anticipating this news to come, it felt like a slap in the face. Brigitta baby, I feel what you're feeling and I hope you don't know it.

That was when he came out on the lawn. I don't even know which one of the children announced my arrival back. All I could do was stare at him. I noticed he smiled when he looked at me and that says a lot coming from him.

"You left without saying goodbye," he said to me after sending the children off to dinner.

"Yes, it was wrong forgive me," was all I had to say. Tremendous guilt fell on me as I sincerly said those words. I tried so hard to keep my dignity when he asked me why and of course I couldn't tell him why. I like to think I only half-lied when I told him the reason no longer existed. Then having to be kind to Baroness Schrader was diffucult but I could sense that it must have been diffucult for her to be kind to me. I could tell she was not happy to see me and I couldn't blame her. I awkwardly started to run as soon as I thought I could.

"You are back to stay?"

I stop and turn around to stare. A feeling of both joy and fear jolted me like a punch to the stomach.

"Only until arrangements can be made for another governess," I said as I turned back around and walked away. What in the world did I just say? What was I going to do now?


	3. Scenes From The Von Trapp Family Table

Things just got worse for me once dinner was served. Dinner in the Von Trapp household was always strange to me. I don't suppose I will ever understand why someone would have to dress up to share a meal with their own family. Nor will I suppose why I, the governess, had to have dinner in the dining room while the other members of the staff ate in the kitchen. It would make sense if there was an infant who needed help feeding themselves but that is clearly not the case here. Little Gretl was five going on six soon and was perfectly capable of cutting her own meat and vegtables, let alone chewing and swallowing. Yet, here I am once again and have to shake of the weirdness of it all and just go with the flow.

"I can't wait to eat," Kurt said, getting his fork and knife ready. "I've been looking forward to dinner ever since I got up this morning!"

That got a big laugh from the children and a chuckle out of the Captain and myself. I snuck a peek at Baroness Schraeder and took note that she did not find that at all amusing. Truth be told, I don't think she finds the children amusing at all. It leads me to wondering what was going on while I was away. It couldn't have been easy for them if what I'm thinking and feeling is right.

"Oh," the captain said as the trays of food came out. "We have schnitzel with noodles tonight!"

Laughter once again rang out amongst the children. I couldn't help but blush and smile to myself. I knew exactly why they were laughing.

"What's so funny?" The Captain in all serious did not know.

"It's an inside joke, Captain," I explained as the dish was then passed to me.

"Yeah, father," my girl Marta piped up. "You wouldn't get it."

"Well, then," was all he said as he began to help himself. Dinner was always a rather quiet time. It's hard to talk when your mouth is always filled with food. Especially hard when the food was always so delicious. These dishes must be made with love because while the dishes were rather simple, they were always superb.

"Can I please have some more?" Kurt asked holding up his empty plate.

"Kurt," Baroness Schraeder spoke up for the first time in hours. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

That left Kurt completely embarrassed. His face turned red and he slowly put his plate back down. Poor Kurt, I felt I had to do something.

"You know, Baroness," I said, holding my plate up. "This is so good, I think I would like seconds myself. It's all right, Kurt, I'll eat with you."

Kurt's face lit up with that million dollar grin of his. All the children turned to smile at me as if to thank me for helping their brother. I couldn't help but look at the captain to see what he thought of me doing this. I was rather surprised to find him smiling at me, too. Baroness Schraeder noticed and all of a sudden began to rise up.

"Well, excuse me everyone," she said, giving Captain a kiss on the cheek. "But I do believe I've had enough."

As I got the second helping on my plate, my spirits began to sink. I honestly didn't want to upset the Baroness, I just wanted to cheer Kurt up. I was now not only eating for his comfort but for my own, too. The feeling of self-loathing came back and I chewed and swallowed all my negative emotions one by one.


	4. Butterfly Kisses

After that disasterous meal, everything thankfully returned to routine. I followed the children upstairs to help tuck Gretl and Marta into bed. We had a good little routine going for ourselves. I would draw them a warm bath and I would bathe them at the same time. I would give them a little time to hang out in the tub while I got their toothbrushes prepared and their nightgowns laid out for them. Marta for the most part was pretty independent about dressing while Gretl still needed some help with zippers and buttons. They both were good about brushing their teeth as long as they had their foot stools to reach the sink. After that we would go into their bedroom and it was then I would brush their hair while we talked about just anything we wanted. Our little talks seemed to calm them down enough to make them go to sleep.

"Fraulein Maria," Gretl piped up as soon as she got in the bed.

"What?" I ask, pulling the sheets under her chin.

"Can I kiss you goodnight?"

"Oh, sweetheart," I was touched. "Of course you can."

That was when she planted the cutest peck on my cheek. It felt just like a butterfly had landed on my face. I kissed her cheek back as I gave her a hug.

"I love you, Fraulein Maria," she said, giving my neck a squeeze.

"I love you, baby girl," I could have cried.

"What about me?" Marta asked. I seriously thought she could have cried too.

"Oh," I said letting go of Gretl and walking over to Marta's bed. "Come here, baby. Fraulein Maria loves you, too."

Marta, following in her sister's footsteps, gave me a butterfly kiss on the cheek. I again had to hold back my tears as I was so overwhelmed by love from these girls. I could have stayed in their arms forever. It felt as though the angels were reassuring me that I was where I still belonged. Someone once said that God is wherever love is. I have to agree with that person.

"Okay, girls," I said, hating to break away. "It's time for bed. I will see you in the morning."

"Promise?" Gretl asked me with such uncertainty that it was breaking my heart.

"Cross my heart," I tell her while managing a smile.

"Oh don't die!" Marta yelled, genuinely worried that I might.

"Oh Marta," I say with a chuckle. "I'm not dying anytime soon. I have too much to live for. Goodnight, girls."

"Goodnight, Fraulein Maria," they reply as I switch off the light and shut the door. I have to stop for a moment and catch my breath. I put my hand over my mouth and count to ten. I obviously was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't see Brigitta standing there.

"Are you okay, Fraulein Maria?"

"Yes, darling, I am," I reply.

"You seem like you're lost or something."

"Oh, I promise I'm fine," Brigitta was always too observant for her own good. "Are you heading to bed?"

"Yes. Lousia, Liesel, and Fredric will be going to bed shortly, too."

"Well, what about Kurt?"

"I'm right here," Kurt said, coming out of his bedroom. He must be calling it an early night because he is in his pajamas already.

"Well all right. Come here you two," I say with my arms outstretched. Brigitta was the first one to hug me before she called it lights out. Kurt kind of took his time before he would come to me.

"What's the matter, Kurt?" I ask by the time he finally gets to me.

"Just about tonight. I..." his voice trailed off and his face was getting red. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"Yes I do," a tear fell from his eye. "I feel like I ruined dinner for everyone. Me and my stupid appetite."

"So you were hungry! Everybody gets hungry, Kurt," he wouldn't look up at me. I cup his chin into my hand and kiss his cheek. I feel so sorry for him. He throws his arms around me and returns my kiss. When he did that, I was mortified to see Captain standing there.

"He's okay," I mouth to him while I kind of shoo him away. I didn't want Kurt to feel even more terrible by having his father see him cry. Captain seems to instinctively know what I'm trying to say to him because then he turned away and headed down the stairs. Then he stopped again to stare.

"Thank you," he mouths to me before he carried on again. I could only find myself smiling again knowing that love is all that matters after all. I don't think Kurt ever knew that his father was watching over him and I in that moment.


	5. She Will Be Loved

I decided to go for a stroll in the yard after I knew Kurt had calmed down. He wiped his tears and went back to bed just in time as the three oldest ones finally came up to say goodnight. Of course they were allowed to stay up later than the little ones due to age so once they said goodnight to me, all seven were accounted for.

It was a beautiful night. Summer was ending soon and I could tell by the thinning clouds. The nights were still humid enough so I could wear my short-sleeved dress without a coat. My goodness, I don't think I would ever get over the beauty of the lawn at night. The way the moon would shine down on the lake was breathtaking. The smell of the flowers as fragrant as the Baroness' perfume.

Oh, why did I have to stop and think of her? I was trying to calm down; not get all riled up! Heavenly father, forgive me for I fear I fall victim to jealousy. I'm jealous because the Baroness is everything I wish I could be. She was destined to be a lady and that is just what she is. She wears the right dresses, she talks the way proper ladies of her caliber should, she just knows what to do. Who am I? A woman-child who was too nice for the kind of childhood I had and too rough to live the life of a nun. Lord, I am such a mess.

The funniest part of it all? Seriously, I'm thinking about this as I sit on the bench next to the big oak tree. The funniest part: I thought maybe, just maybe, the captain could love me. It crushes my heart as I come to realize that he doesn't. I've swallowed all my pride, came back to _his_ children that I love like my own, and just about sacrificed everything I thought I knew about my life just to be with him. The biggest slap in the face? He doesn't realize any of it!

"Hello," I was shocked to see him standing before me now. " I thought I just might find you here."

Oh my goodness, I did not want his company. My bitterness towards him had quickly subsided as soon he showed up. I now feel like a little girl again as he asks me for the second time why I ran away and came back. I, of course, tried to be as professional as I could be with my answer. He, of course, was not buying it. I guess I shouldn't have expected him to. He ought to know by now I am an open book.

There was something different about his demeanor this time. I have never seen him quite so, what's the word? Nervous. He acts nervous to be around me. There was that time I was fired but he asked me to come back. Yet, even then he wasn't acting as jittery as he is now. What was up with him tonight? It didn't take long for me to get an answer.

There wasn't going to be a Baroness. They had called off their engagement so there would be no wedding, no marriage, nothing. She was gone and he was the one that called it off. I was flabbergasted.

"Why?" I asked him.

"Well, you can't marry someone when you're in love with someone else, can you?"

That was when I knew. Someone once said that the moment you want to give up is right before the miracle happens. Well, it was happening to me right now. God was showing himself through him that my love was not in vain. I was going to be loved back and all my years of abuse, self-doubt, and my own feeling of unworthiness didn't matter anymore. A weight was lifted off my heart and soul as he kissed my face and lips. I really sang out that I must have done something good. Well, the look in Georg's eyes made me realize that I had been and was good all along. I was home now and home I'll stay.


End file.
